blog it faith

{the last few weeks}

December 1, 2012

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Eight weeks ago I found out, we were expecting a baby.  Tests showed that I was six weeks. Five weeks ago our baby went to it’s eternal home to our Heavenly Father who does not make mistakes.

The roller coaster of emotions felt around here lately has been extreme to say the least. One-minute elation and a bit of trepidation, the next grief and sadness.  Trying to work out why this had to happen is pointless; trying to find contentment in God’s plan is a journey we may be on for a while.

This is not a blog post I ever intended to write. This post has been drafted, edited and re-written quite a few times over the last week.  It is not a nice thing to write about.  I would have much rather been spilling the beans about some happy news right now. Going “public” about this is not going to be ok for some people.  But for some, it might help as I have been through this before, four years ago and I got through it.  We found happiness again.  We found contentment in God’s plan for us.

The moment you find out you are expecting a baby – the moment that second line appears on that little stick, is the moment you begin to have hopes and dreams for your unborn child.  In those few weeks that we knew, the things we talked about and the things we dreamed of in secret are and were no different to the hopes and dreams any other expectant parent.  At that moment, you set an extra spot at the dinner table.  At that moment you dream of a child who will fear the Lord.  At that moment, you hope and pray that your baby will be happy and healthy.

For us it was indeed a true gift from God.  Four years ago after loosing another baby at twelve weeks, and having multiple health issues afterwards, we were told in no uncertain terms that there would be no more children.

In human terms, this baby was not meant to happen, and yet God in His infinite wisdom, proved the doctors wrong.

The excitement and elation were cut short and substituted for immense sadness when I miscarried.  Those few days that followed are a bit of a blur as I was also sick with a throat and chest infection.  There was a lot of taking of tablets that numbed all the pain, stopped the cough that I thought would never go away, and it allowed me to sleep.  Sleep in the past few weeks has become my dear friend.  Every night I seem to crash earlier and earlier.  Every day I escape to catch up and try to gain some energy back.  The headaches are still bad, and the women I know who also have had miscarriages talk of the same thing.  Last time I had them for months.  It is the hormones leaving your body doctors say.  It is a daily reminder that things are still not right in your body.  Your body is trying to work out what happened.

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Right now, I’m doing good.  We are doing good.  There are moments when I get mad when I think about why this had to happen.  Again. There are moments when I just get so sad.  I am a good mum.  I am so good with babies. My family would have been perfect with another.  God, why give and then take so quickly?  Why doesn’t it happen to others?   Tears appear triggered by silly things people say.  Tears appear triggered from acts of kindness, kind words from people who know.  Tears appear when I hear of other mums going through the same thing.

I’m allowing those tears to happen.  It’s good.  It’s all about the process you will go through, and a process I am allowing myself to go through this time.

Sunday in church, we had an amazing sermon, all about how we do not need to know “the why” in the things God has planned for us.  It was a moment that reaffirmed for me that this is God’s plan for us.  He worked this into the script he wrote of our lives for a purpose.  It has in the past, and it will again now make me, and my family, stronger.  Stronger in the knowledge that though life and Satan may batter us from all sides, we do have that hope and a future to look forward to. Those two babies that we never held, never called by name, are in heaven with Him and bring that number of fulfilment two closer to the day when He will wipe every tear from our eyes.  Revelation 21:4

There is also that huge thing called Grace that gets us through as well.  God promises us that TODAY, not tomorrow or yesterday, but every day His grace will be sufficient for us.

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”  2 Corinthians 12:9

Image source:  Jeremiah 29   Psalm 139

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  • Sarah December 1, 2012 at 8:16 am

    Thinking and praying for you, Tash! God grant you peace and strength.

  • Ruth December 1, 2012 at 11:15 pm

    I’ve thought of you often over the past couple of weeks, Tash! This is a beautiful post, and I’m happy that you received the strength to write it – to express what you are going through. I pray that you will continue to receive what you need to remember this child of God, while also dealing with the pain of not knowing/holding him/her!

  • Bron December 2, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    So sorry to read of your heart ache…you are so right though God has a plan..we don’t know the answers to the why and are heart breaks regardless but our faith and his faithfulness will keep us going.
    thanks for saying hi so i could pop by. xx

  • Lisa December 3, 2012 at 7:56 am

    Beautifully written Tash. Sending a big hug your way. May God give peace and contentment in your circumstances. That last text from 2 Corinthians 12 is so comforting and encouraging isn’t it!

  • Lucy December 3, 2012 at 8:44 am

    :-( Sending you lots of thoughts and prayers for healing and peace xxx

  • ericaswarts December 4, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    Praying that our awesome God will bring you peace and comfort that only HE can give to you and Rob and your children – our thoughts and prayers are with you Tash – that you may in time heal and be comforted during this time of sorrow and also time of rejoicing that your precious child is now with GOD singing with the angels knowing only peace xx

  • kimberlee December 4, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Oh, Tash, I wish I could wrap my arms around you, so I will pray you will feel God’s arms around you, around your heart. My heart is heavy for your loss. I can relate to the emotions and thoughts. 2 years later they still pop up and I lost my daughter at birth.
    Nancy Guthrie’s books have been so helpful, I especially was comforted by her book Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow. There is another book that is SO good called And Then You Were Gone. And my friend Teske Drake recently wrote a great resource Hope for Today, Promises for Tomorrow. I love how at the end of each chapter she asks some deep questions. When we lost our daughter I started writing in a gratitude journal every day. Have you read Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts? I cannot recommend that enough, although I think she sounds like yoda the way she writes. ;) xoxo You’ll be in my prayers.

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